Love this post, and look forward to the future ones in this series.
In my men's groups, I see onlyness on a regular basis. But when one man overcomes their fear to be vulnerable and share their "onlyness", or their emotions around self-doubt, or not being good enough for whatever challenge life is presenting to them, they create an opportunity for "togetherness" - because as you state above, invariably other men in the group have felt or are feeling the same thing. One man's courage to be vulnerable in a group of men creates a permission structure for other men to drop their guard, be equallly vulnerable and share their fears - and onlyness becomes togetherness - which is such an incredibly valuable place for men to be in with each other.
I love what you've said here. When a guy realizes he's not the only , it's a powerful moment for him. I've now seen it so many times. Thanks for sharing your experience with this and keep it up.
Jim, you're pointing to something very real. I see it in my practice too. The great thing about my work is that men hire me to be that reflection, and when they join other men and me in Tolomen—the men's group I facilitate—they experience the illusion of onlyness there too.
What confounds this work, and I hesitate to name it for so many reasons, is trauma. It's both big and little T trauma that concerns me. Trauma is the source for the development of protector parts, something men are very adept at creating, something we learn to do early in life.
These are the parts that can get in the way of this work. They're not bad. They're just doing the good work of protecting us, but the consequence is often an apparently closed-hearted person. It's only apparent, though. There is an open heart in there. It's just under guard.
I certainly hear what you're saying about T/trauma. Men have built those protectors without realizing that's what they are and certainly without naming them. One of the powers of Parts work is naming and making men aware of what's happening and why.
I think making men aware of their Onlyness serves a similar purpose. It makes them aware of something they haven't thought about before. Like you, I've seen the unburdening a man feels when he realizes he's not the only one. It's powerful. Palpable.
Love this post, and look forward to the future ones in this series.
In my men's groups, I see onlyness on a regular basis. But when one man overcomes their fear to be vulnerable and share their "onlyness", or their emotions around self-doubt, or not being good enough for whatever challenge life is presenting to them, they create an opportunity for "togetherness" - because as you state above, invariably other men in the group have felt or are feeling the same thing. One man's courage to be vulnerable in a group of men creates a permission structure for other men to drop their guard, be equallly vulnerable and share their fears - and onlyness becomes togetherness - which is such an incredibly valuable place for men to be in with each other.
I love what you've said here. When a guy realizes he's not the only , it's a powerful moment for him. I've now seen it so many times. Thanks for sharing your experience with this and keep it up.
Jim, you're pointing to something very real. I see it in my practice too. The great thing about my work is that men hire me to be that reflection, and when they join other men and me in Tolomen—the men's group I facilitate—they experience the illusion of onlyness there too.
What confounds this work, and I hesitate to name it for so many reasons, is trauma. It's both big and little T trauma that concerns me. Trauma is the source for the development of protector parts, something men are very adept at creating, something we learn to do early in life.
These are the parts that can get in the way of this work. They're not bad. They're just doing the good work of protecting us, but the consequence is often an apparently closed-hearted person. It's only apparent, though. There is an open heart in there. It's just under guard.
I certainly hear what you're saying about T/trauma. Men have built those protectors without realizing that's what they are and certainly without naming them. One of the powers of Parts work is naming and making men aware of what's happening and why.
I think making men aware of their Onlyness serves a similar purpose. It makes them aware of something they haven't thought about before. Like you, I've seen the unburdening a man feels when he realizes he's not the only one. It's powerful. Palpable.